new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
