i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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