my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
