The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
