the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
