omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
