I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
