So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
