woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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