ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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