Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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