You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The uberlube is also flammable
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
