All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
