Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize