I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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