I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
