I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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