WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
