I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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