Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
