I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize