I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She's the barista slut.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
