You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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