I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
