some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
