her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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