Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
