She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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