So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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