I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
