Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I want a musical about memes.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
