im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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