what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
