I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
