I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I love you.
Bad choice
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