U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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