I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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