Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize