ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
