You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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