Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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