I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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