She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
