even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
40s are totally the cure
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
