she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
