How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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