just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
