i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
