There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
