No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
