New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
