Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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