chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
