I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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