dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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