Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
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