You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
