Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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