I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
