drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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